


My Lover's Got Humor

by bubblyNightmare



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave's murder vlogs, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Slash, Retcon Timeline, inaccurate speculation of troll biology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-17 10:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11273811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblyNightmare/pseuds/bubblyNightmare
Summary: Dave finds himself in a crime scene and copes in the only way he can. Karkat is not amused.





	My Lover's Got Humor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MagickConstruct](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagickConstruct/gifts).



> This was part of a gift exchange with magic-complex on tumblr. Give them a shout out and maybe a few fic prompts of your own! English is not my first language and this was un-betaed so yeah sorry if there are any major fuck ups
> 
> Title from Take Me To Church by Hozier

It's cold. That's the first thing you realize after the adrenaline of the reunion drains off your body. It's cold in an unfamiliar way. You're used to the heat of Houston, Texas and the way LOHAC brands itself into your bones like fire. Lying down in one of many empty rooms inside the meteor, it's hard to ignore how alone you are. A few days ago all you had to worry about was puppets and not dying on your apartment's rooftop. Now everyone you know and don't know is dead. Well except your closest friends and apparently your sister.  (Rose is your fucking sister and you spent half of your time macking on her how fucked up is that). 

You're cold. There's something heavy coiled around your stomach and you pretend it's hunger. You don't remember when was the last time you ate so maybe it is. Your body is stiff and aching. Maybe that's understandable since you've just died in what was basically a suicide mission and came back as a fucking god, but you don't complain. You know you've had much worse and there's no use bitching about it. 

You don't know how much time you spend staring at the ceiling above your makeshift pile. There's been no time to alchemize a bed, but there's also no way you're getting any sleep today (tonight? there's no time inside the void except for the ticking inside your skull) so it doesn't really matter. You try to make yourself more comfortable and one of the smuppets next to you strokes its penose over your face. You grimace and get out of the pile. The silence inside your room is awkward and stretched thin even with only you here. The weight around your stomach moves and you think you might throw up. Your hood is suddenly suffocating and you shove it off your head. You have to leave. Everything is suddenly too much.

You exit the room, not even bothering to walk as you float through the halls in search of a distraction. Your thoughts go towards Terezi but you shake them away. She has enough on her plate what with Vriska and her creepy clown stalker. You need something to lighten the weight on your shoulders not remind you of your past mistakes and could've beens. But what can you even do stuck in this piece of rock floating through space? You could alchemize some cool shit but you remember Vriska's warning about "wasting precious resources". Whatever, you don't have to listen to her. It's not like she's even the troll leader. That's Karkat's job right? Besides being a clown boyfriend/babysitter. 

You turn a left and finally find a transportalizer. You let your feet touch the ground with a dull thud. Even the meteor's floors sound like metal. You rush towards the pad of the transportalizer, activate it and wait for the fade out. After everything comes back into focus you look around. It looks like a computer room but it's completely trashed and it smells really fucking weird. You float again and start investigating the room.

Some computers look like they just blew the fuck up, pieces of sweet tech strewn everywhere. A giant monocycle is lying next to the broken computers. It probably belongs to that creepy ass clown. You shudder and move on. There's a teddy bear sitting with some alien pokemon cards game. You don't think any of the trolls you've met today plays that (and you try to ignore the implication). You move towards a pile of horns. The regular kind not the sitting on top of your alien head one. You have a strong suspicion about whose it is but it's the only thing left for you to examine so you make yourself take a closer look. 

The weird smell you noticed when you transportalized is stronger here, pungent and sweet like homegrown honey. There are pink and yellow stains everywhere. Is this Terezi's arts project? You get closer to the yellow stains on the wall and you realise with a start that they're drag marks. You remember the way Gamzee's face was jagged purple when you arrived. At the time you thought nothing of it, thinking it only another paint on a clown. Now you strongly suspect this sweet smell to be of troll blood. Holy shit is this a crime scene?

You take out your iPhone from your syladex and start snapping pictures. (You mentally put "sick ass camera" as your top priority once you get a go at the alchemiter). Afterwards you slide to front camera, stretch your arm so it can focus both on your face and the troll blood in the background, and start recording. 

"yo dudes. this is dave strider speaking to yall from the void™. i just found the nastiest shit in the meteors main comp room. this yellow shit behind me is either some dead dudes blood or the aftermath of one of the loneliest orgies in the history of man kind. troll kind. whatev". You shift the angle of your camera so it's now focused on you and the pink stains on the horn pile. "anyways here's some other remains of suspect victim/fetishist. its probably a lady by the angle and depth of the stains. that or im full of shit and its someone with a piss kink. what color even is troll piss. i know human piss is only yellow if youre like me and dont hydrate except for the occasional coke and apple juice, and crystal clear if youre like harley and drink only island lake water and snow. but is troll piss only one color or does it change depending on the person. troll. do troll use people when generalising or is it always troll. because thatd get boring real fast. john told me troll will smith is someone that exists and how fucked up is paradox space that these ancient alien civilisations keep stealing our patriotic american icon names -"

You hear the thud of feet on metal and drop your phone, sword out of specibus and already in your hand. You turn around and face your B- is that Vantas? He throws you a sideways, confused look at your stance but soldiers on and starts walking in your direction. You lower your sword but don't shift it back into your specibus. He's already speaking and you try to hear him above the pulse of blood in your ears. 

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW ENTITLED YOU HUMANS ARE. WE CAME BEFORE YOU, WE CREATED YOUR FUCKING UNIVERSE. IF ANYONE IS STEALING TROLL WILL SMITH'S NAME IT IS YOU UNINSPIRED HACKS. ALSO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DESECRATING MY FRIENDS' MURDER SCENE YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE. THERE'S NOBODY TO SEE THAT FUCKING VIDEO SINCE YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES IS DEAD AND WE CAN'T UPLOAD ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET. EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE UNTIL NOW IS COMPLETELY USELESS, UNNECESSARY, AND DISRESPECTFUL. IM SORRY FOR WHATEVER HUMAN LUSUS RAISED YOU SINCE EVEN HARLEY IS BETTER AND HER LUSUS WAS A FUCKING DOG"

You don't snark back. Just stare at him and you're glad you're wearing your shades because damn. Way to push all your angst buttons at once. He must see something in your face that softens his own. He deflates, and his voice is regretful but no less loud when he says:

"SORRY TO BRING UP THE DEATH OF YOUR SPECIES. BUT I STILL STAND WHEN I SAY YOU'RE BEING A FUCKING SHITSTAIN ABOUT *MY* DEAD FRIENDS"

You let your sword drop back to its specibus, and keeping your poker face in place you bend down to pick up your phone. You feel shitty about running off your mouth but you it was the only way besides a panic attack to deal with a fresh out of hell murder scene. You say none of these things though. You only lean back into one of the computer stations behind you, and with a hopefully monotone voice you ask him if he wants to get the hell out of here and alchemise some cool shit. His relief is instant and evident in his emphatic "FUCK YES".

You think maybe you're gonna survive the next three years stuck in this piece of rock. Hell, you think as Karkat flails when you pick him up and float him in the direction of the Alchemiter Room, you might even learn to enjoy it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry there's little romance here. I had fun though!


End file.
